Dance little superstar, dance.

Man, I don't even know.

Little Superstar on Transbuddha

Drunken Man Bites Panda

BEIJING - AP - A drunken Chinese migrant worker jumped into a panda enclosure at the Beijing Zoo, was bitten by the bear and retaliated by chomping down on the animal's back, state media said Wednesday.

Zhang Xinyan, from the central province of Henan, drank four jugs of beer at a restaurant near the zoo before visiting Gu Gu the panda on Tuesday, the Beijing Morning Post said.
"He felt a sudden urge to touch the panda with his hand," and jumped into the enclosure, the newspaper said.

The panda, who was asleep, was startled and bit Zhang, 35, on the right leg, it said. Zhang got angry and kicked the panda, who then bit his other leg. A tussle ensued, the paper said.

"I bit the fellow in the back," Zhang was quoted as saying in the newspaper. "Its skin was quite thick."

Other tourists yelled for a zookeeper, who got the panda under control by spraying it with water, reports said. Zhang was hospitalized.

Newspaper photographs showed Zhang lying on a hospital bed with blood-soaked bandages and a seam of stitches running down his leg.

The Beijing Youth Daily quoted Zhang as saying that he had seen pandas on television and "they seemed to get along well with people."

"No one ever said they would bite people," Zhang said. "I just wanted to touch it. I was so dizzy from the beer. I don't remember much."

Ye Mingxia, a spokeswoman for the Beijing Zoo, confirmed the incident happened but would not give any details. She said Gu Gu was "healthy."

"We're not considering punishing him now," Ye said in a telephone interview. "He's suffered quite a bit of shock."

Best Flavor Flav Quote

"I want a girl who looks good when she wakes up in the morning. We could take her face and dip it in dough and she'll make some nice-face cookies. Some girls wake up, man, you could put their face in dough and you'll get a gorilla cookie, for real! . . ."

Best Video Ever

Well maybe not but Daler Mehndi definitely rocks my sack.

Tunak Tunak Tun

Unibrow of the Month

More like crazy, maniacal unibrow of the month. I think this guy missed the memo that joining a wizard/sorcerer cult is not cool anymore.

Picture Me Rollin'

Start your summer in style with this ultra-hip sandal from Reef. It’s like Beach Bum meets Pimp meets Burberry meets Slacker meets Thug, what more could you ask for out of a simple flip-flop. Get yours today, son.

pwnage

ID4

As mentioned in previous Groderz lore, one way we can tell whether or not we agree with your taste in movies is by your assessment of the crap-fest Face/Off. If you liked that movie, we don't want you here.

Another, converse method is via your assessment of Independence Day.

If I was a Hollywood producer, and you were pitching me a movie, you could say "Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith smoke cigars together near the end." At that point, I wouldn't care if it was a docu-drama or a comedy or a horror film, I'd already be interested. If you told me that after they smoked the cigars, they launched a nuke right into the heart of the alien mother ship, I'd be totally stoked. If you then told me that all of this happened immediately after a scene where Randy Quaid, playing the same character he plays in the Vacation movies, drove a kamikaze fighter jet right into the main weapons systems of one of the alien battleships, I'd be on the phone to the Academy. The only thing left for me to add would be, "Make sure either Bill Paxton or Bill Pullman is in it." Making one of them play the President of the U.S. would just be unexpected icing on the cake.

Every time I mention ID4, someone wants to talk about how unrealistic the "virus" thing was. Whatever. If you can't suspend a little disbelief in the realm of computer science, you have no business commenting on modern cinema. ID4 is a wholly underrated marvel of filmmaking. In true Return of the Jedi fashion, they staged simulatneous multiple final battles on multiple scales, a feat that is remarkably difficult for a screenwriter to pull off. If you aren't on the edge of your seat in true, old-school, big-budget, action-flick apprectiation by the end of that movie, you just aren't a movie buff.

I first saw ID4 at midnight on July 4th, 1996. I thought it was one of the greatest movies ever. Yeah, it's got some cheesey-as-hell stuff in it, but even to this day I think it is a great movie.

Fiery Habanero

Here at Groderz, we like to keep our fans up to date on the latest Doritos buzz. I don't know why, it just kind of turned out that way.

Anyway, I recently bought a bag of their latest: Fiery Habanero. They purposefully left off the tilde ('~') in habanero, which is a bad omen from the start, but I bought a bag nevertheless.

Fiery Habanero is for-real spicy, not fake-nasty-spicy like Ranchero, so at least they got that going for them. But in the end, I threw away half of the bag and went and bought some Black Pepper Jack. The Habanero just weren't all that good. I feel pretty bad, considering that Doritos are ridiculously expensive.

Dancing Hip-Hop Yoda

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MrPTb9JVuzk

Chappelle

This is my personal favorite skit.

http://media.putfile.com/Dave-Chappelle---Player-Haters-Ball

CRUISE ATTACKS PSYCHIATRIC DRUGS AGAIN

Tom Cruise is up to his usual antics. In the most recent issue of GQ he tells the magazine, "I've always found the 'if it makes me feel better, it's OK' rationale a little suspect. "I think it's appalling that people have to live a life of drug addiction when I have personally helped people get off drugs." In the interview, the actor claims he can get someone off heroin in three days through Scientology's detox programs.

Tom is an enigma and not as easy of a celebrity target as say George Clooney or Ben Affleck, they are both no-talent ass clowns and need to be sent to China or Cuba. Tom is on a different level. But even so I think three days to get someone off heroin is a stretch.

This article helps explain why even with drastic, radical treatment heroin is still a tough addiction to break.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/drugs/Story/0,,1561403,00.html

Maybe in Tom’s next movie he can star as a drug rehab counselor who cures people of heroin addiction in three days and then goes on to wins critical accolades for his performance and finally gets an Oscar.

Or maybe not, those types of movies don’t have explosions.

Funny Nintendo Videos

These are pretty funny and/or lame depending on how you look at it.

Nintendo 64 Screaming Kid

Gay Mario Commercial

Very Gay Power Glove Commercial

G. I. Grode

Interesting Groder Definition

Brandon Bilinski still has the best groder definition. The guy who wrote this one below is kind of a tool and ass clown himself, but does make some good points...

12/4/2003: Groders from http://www.angelfire.com/theforce/flakeisajedi/

Groders piss me off to no end. What exactly is a groder you ask? The term groder is the combination of the two words 'gross' and 'odor' to form 'groder.' I constantly have to deal with these idiots on the roads, in the workplace, and at my places of leisure. What exactly is a groder in layman's terms? Well there are several warning signs under several categories of personal preference that you may be a groder.

Your Car: This isn't just what kind of car you drive but also the manner in which you drive. Do you drive a Buttstang (buttstang: Webster defines buttstang as a Ford Mustang produced after 1980.)? Do you think your buttstang is hot shit, even though it's not? Chances are, you're a groder. Do you street race often? Think it's cool? Ever consider the consequences?... didn't think so. Do you like to go 20 mph over the speed limit at all times? Do you believe in the saying, "If you can't find 'em, grind 'em?" Yeah, if you said yes to any of these questions, then more likely than not, YOU are a groder and a jackass.

Your Clothing: Wear clothing that barely stays on your body? Have a chain on your wallet? Are you 'all about' some Fubu, Tommy Hilfiger, etc? If your answer to any of this was a yes, then you, my friend, are a groder and an idiot. Try looking up a company that makes respectable clothes, like Harbor Bay or Allexander Lloyd, or hell even Puritan.

Music: Do you listen to Marylin Manson (I assume this is how this idiot spells his name), Kid Rock, any rap 'artist' (I use the term loosely here), other than to make fun of their shitty music, ICP, punk, NoFX (yeah they're their own category of shit far worse than other punk)? Think they're cool?

Want to dress, act, smell just like them? Guess what, pal? Not only do you suck insane amounts of ass, but you're also a groder. If you think you fit into the category of 'groder' then you probably do. Even if you don't think you're a groder there's 68% chance that in all actuality you are indeed a groder. Do us all a favor and kill yourself. The world would be a much cleaner, happier place if all groders would just commit suicide, or at least for me anyway.

Man severs own penis, throws it at officers

March 17, 2006

BY ERIC HERMAN Staff Reporter

Before cops threw the book at him, Jakub Fik threw something unusual at them -- his penis.

Fik, 33, cut off his own penis during a Northwest Side rampage Wednesday morning. When confronted by police, Fik hurled several knives and his severed organ at the officers, police said. Officers stunned him with a Taser and took him into custody.

"We took him out without any serious injury, with the exception of his own," said Chicago Police Sgt. Edward Dolan of the 16th District.

Doctors at Northwestern Memorial Hospital reattached Fik's penis Wednesday, sources said. He was listed in good condition Thursday, according to hospital spokesman Andrew Buchanan, who declined to comment further.

It is Not a Biometric ID

Normally we keep serious political and social commentary out of Groderz. But this just bugs me.

Everyone has a signature bar on the back of their credit card. You're supposed to sign it as soon as you receive the card, to authorize it for use as payment.


Many retailers have begun using this signature as a way of checking that you are the owner of the card. They compare the signature on the card to the the receipt you just signed (or pretend to) in order to verify that you are both the card signer and the receipt signer.

In this age of identity theft, some consumers don't feel that is enough. They feel picture ID is necessary, not just a signature comparison. So instead of signing their card, they write "CHECK ID" on the signature bar. The idea is that your driver's license has both your signature and your picture on it, which is even better.

But a lot of retailers don't accept this. Every day someone wants to tell me another story about the "stupid" checkout clerk at Wherever's Department Store that wouldn't accept their card because it wasn't signed. They beam from their high horse about their superior intelligence, and how the world is going to hell because stupid clerks aren't reasonable enough to understand the increased security of a picture ID and to look there for the signature.

Well, here's the deal: If your card isn't signed, it isn't authorized to be used as payment. That's why it says "authorized signature." An unsigned card is an unauthorized card. The primary intent of signing a card is not to put a biometric identifier on it (though it is that as well), the intent of signing a card is to legally state that, "yes, I authorize and accept responsibility for this card, along with a simlarly signed reciept, to pay for things against my good name." So if I were a stupid retail clerk, I wouldn't accept your unsigned card, either. Get over yourself.

Sorry for the whiny rant.

World of Offline Gaming

This video is kind of long but very funny. It basically shows what would happen if the hardcore MMORPG geeks acted the way they do online in real life. Ninja looting, Leeroy Jenkins and other madcap antics are included. Thanks to Deadpan-Entertainment.com.

Our Ol' Buddy Mullet Man

Back in March of 2005 you will remember we posted a picture of Time Mullet Guy. He has been around a while, but is still a good friend of Groderz. We like to see him doing well.

Enjoy.

Mullet Man: Space Traveler

Mullet Watch

Break Your Self

Mohawk Man

This one doesn't even make sense

Ok, this one is only funny if you watch the whole thing and wait for Link to play his song.

Safety Not Guaranteed!

Fresh from the blogosphere

Is this for realz? This is cut and paste directly from February's issue of Sky, Delta's in-flight magazine. It's flash cards for children, I guess. Anyway, I like the juxtaposition of vocabulary. Notice anything?



UPDATE: The photo has been removed from the Web version! I grabbed a copy of the actual magazine on my way to San Jose.

In Search of Rock

This video clip shows a huge Tyrone Biggums sized rock.

Damn, that's a big rock.

Life Imitates Art

Thank you to the nice people at Transbuddha.com for this recreation of a typical game of Punch-Out! Click the image to watch.

Chapelle actually IS a lunatic

My wife TiVo'd the Oprah interview with Dave Chapelle last week. To tell the truth, it just made me sad. The interview started off with him rambling without actually saying anything or answering any questions, much like the Tom Cruise interview, except without the ADD hyperactivity.

You can click the image to watch part of the interview.

When he finally started talking about why he fled to Africa without even telling his wife and kids, he gave these as his reasons:

1) He was filming a skit, and one of the staff (like a mic operator or something) laughed at one of the jokes. But Dave could tell that this guy was laughing at him, not with him, and that there was something evil and racist about it. I put this as number one, because Dave himself listed this as his number-one reason he needed to flee to Africa.

2) Everyone, including his co-writer that he's worked with since he was a teenager, was trying to convince Dave that he was crazy. This was done as a plot to get him to take pills so that they could control him and take his money. As evidence of this, he came into work one day and found that there was just a wall where his office used to be, but everyone was trying to convince him (as part of the above plot) that the walls and his office and everything were all where they were supposed to be. I wish I was making this up.

3) When one of the skits they wrote involved Dave wearing a dress, he decided at the last minute he wouldn't do it. The writers and producers all tried to talk him into going through with it, which confused and angered him. After some research, Dave realized that all comedians were put into dresses at one point or another by their producers, and that this was done intentionally to prove to the public that the comedians were really just prostitutes being pimped out. In fact, Dave realized that the whole point of this particular skit was to prove to everyone that Dave Chapelle was just someone's prostitute.

4) And so on...

Oprah tried to steer the conversation towards sanity, making it a discussion about responsible social commentary in comedy sketches, and why she won't do certain kinds of shows anymore. Dave contributed to this by saying that he would finish the current season only if the DVD sales profits could go to all his fans, the Katrina victims, his old high school..., at which point Oprah cut him off and told him that he can't just start promising millions of dollars to people on national TV. Dave responded with, "well, I didn't say I'd actually give them the money."

He was extremely laid back during the whole interview and slurred his speech, much more so that the usual laid-back nature of his character. His eyes were also very glazed. I'm pretty sure he's on heavy meds.

I imagine that my interpretation of the interview was a very critical one, others may think he is entirely reasonable and just had a hard time dealing with sudden wealth and a lot of money-grabbers. But if everyone around you is telling you that you aren't well mentally, and you determine it's a conspiracy to take your money, then you probably need to listen to them a little more.

SNL actually CAN be funny without Will Ferrell

I know this is about 6 weeks old. But in "Internet time," stuff is already old before it's even new yet, so I don't care.

These guys do an excellent job of exemplifying and satirizing a certain segment of American youth. Acting tough while rapping about Web sites, cupcakes, $10 bills, movie trivia, and fantasy/sci-fi... genius.

This clip is known as "Chonic of Narnia," "Chronic(what)cles of Narnia," and various other names, though I think the actual title is "Lazy Sunday."

Hollywood Narcissism (what else is new)

Groderz is normally too sophisticated and not annoying enough to fall into the trap of the activist/political blog, the internet already has way too many we-want-to-change-the-way-you-think blogs, but yesterday this article in Newsweek caught my attention. Basically George Clooney is a moron. Now that he has directed two whole movies and was nominated for an Oscar he considers himself part of the directorial elite. Newsweek had the audacity to include him in a roundtable of directors, openly discussing all-things Oscar and Hollywood. The following two quotes perfectly summarize the difference between him and Steven Spielberg:

SPIELBERG: Audiences are very smart. We never give them enough credit for being able to have a kind of radar that makes them, without a single ad in the newspaper, suddenly say, "I'm interested in seeing 'The Squid and the Whale'." There's just something in the air.

CLOONEY: But on the other hand, I'll wager that every one of our films, when you first tested it with an audience, tested much lower than after it was reviewed. Sometimes people need reviews to explain what a film is, to put it into some sort of perspective.

Thanks go out to Spielberg for recognizing that audiences are very smart. But on the other hand audiences are very stupid and need well-trained film critics to explain films to them, especially films with Clooney's high caliber subject matter. What he should have said was "The type of films we make are too complex and dynamic for the average viewer to understand, they need to have the plot and story explained to them so they don't look stupid."

Spielberg is an artist with vision and refined technical skills. Even if he does let some duds slip by, Minority Report, War of the Worlds, he is still talented and has a deep respect for his craft. Clooney, on the other hand, is a hack and has a certain slime-value that is highly coveted in Hollywood today. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you, this guy is either really pompous or totally clueless, probably both.

Although I guess I should thank Clooney for reaffirming what I already thought about him.

Are You a Groder or Wigger?

This quick test should help you figure out that question that has been eating you up inside: Am I a wigger or a groder?

Your favorite type of rap is about:
(a) Positive messages
(b) The gangsta life
(c) Drugs and alcohol
(d) Adidas and gold chains

NASCAR is awesome because:
(a) The cars go fast
(b) The culture promotes drunken behavior
(c) Methamphetamines
(d) NASCAR is not awesome

You would rather wear:
(a) Reebok
(b) K-Swiss
(c) Nike
(d) G-Unit
(e) BK
(f) Keds

You went to see Hustle & Flow:
(a) The day it came out
(b) At the sneak preview
(c) You are waiting for the Special Edition DVD

Your pimp hand is:
(a) Strong to very strong
(b) Moderately strong
(c) Average
(d) Weak
(e) What’s a pimp hand?

If you could choose a nickname it would be:
(a) Deluxe 187
(b) Flawless
(c) Chief
(d) The Bishop “Insert Your Name” Magic Juan
(e) Rabid Rob
(f) Flex

2 Fast 2 Furious is about to come on TV, do you:
(a) Try to Tivo it so you can watch it later
(b) Stop everything and watch it now
(c) Call all your friends and tell them it's on
(d) Don't watch it because you already have it on DVD
(e) Watch ‘Pimp My Ride’ instead

How many times have you seen 2 Fast 2 Furious:
(a) 0
(b) 1-3
(c) 4-6
(d) 7-10
(e) 10+

Did you buy the last Beastie Boys album?
(a) Yes
(b) No

Ok so this wasn’t the most sophisticated test in the world, but basically if you answered any of the questions you are probably both a groder and a wigger.

My New Life

After much thought and consideration I have decided to outsource my job to India. Why should I have to work like a chump when I can pay someone in India to do it for me? Thousands of jobs are outsourced every year and what happens to those people? They get fired! What I’m talking about is a radical departure form conventional thinking. Don’t let some faceless corporation reap all the benefits of outsourcing your job, do it yourself.

Jumari Patel, a bright and ambitious 12 year-old boy from Mumbai, will take over my job duties starting mid-February. I first met Jumari in a Battlestar Galactica chat room last year and we have been friends ever since. He’s a nice kid and his mom even thinks I’m a positive role model. We haven’t exactly ironed out all the details yet but I think I’m going to pay him about $4 an hour; this deal is good for two reasons:

(1) He lives in India so that’s like $60 an hour here
(2) It leaves plenty of money in my pocket and gives me tons of spare time so I can:

(a) Watch more TV
(b) Play more video games
(c) Go trolling through Babylon 5 chat rooms
(d) Update Groderz more often


Some people will say this idea is stupid, but I say they can kiss my ass while I’m sleeping in until noon and watching reruns of Elimiadate and Walker, Texas Ranger everyday.

Corporate Clone

In the corporate world of cubicles and TPS reports there are two distinct types of employees: Those who wear their ID badges around their neck and those who don’t.
Last Friday I decided to conduct a brief experiment, for one day I decided to swallow my pride and wear my ID badge around my neck thus becoming a HDE (Highly Dedicated Employee). While undercover I observed the following.

The average HDE:

· Gets to work at least 30 minutes early everyday
· Drinks 2.6 sodas a day
· Routinely sends out emails to the entire department informing other employees about unimportant procedural data and industry updates
· Has a minimum of three Dilbert cartoon tacked to his/her cubicle
· Manages to turn any causal topic of conversion into something about work
· Uses terms like "team-based organization", "core-competencies" and "value-added" without being sarcastic
· Writes things on the whiteboard in the break room


Above all HDE’s are generally kind and affable and should not be openly mocked for their exuberance and corporate enthusiasm. All mockery should be conducted in blog format.