Are You a Groder or Wigger?

This quick test should help you figure out that question that has been eating you up inside: Am I a wigger or a groder?

Your favorite type of rap is about:
(a) Positive messages
(b) The gangsta life
(c) Drugs and alcohol
(d) Adidas and gold chains

NASCAR is awesome because:
(a) The cars go fast
(b) The culture promotes drunken behavior
(c) Methamphetamines
(d) NASCAR is not awesome

You would rather wear:
(a) Reebok
(b) K-Swiss
(c) Nike
(d) G-Unit
(e) BK
(f) Keds

You went to see Hustle & Flow:
(a) The day it came out
(b) At the sneak preview
(c) You are waiting for the Special Edition DVD

Your pimp hand is:
(a) Strong to very strong
(b) Moderately strong
(c) Average
(d) Weak
(e) What’s a pimp hand?

If you could choose a nickname it would be:
(a) Deluxe 187
(b) Flawless
(c) Chief
(d) The Bishop “Insert Your Name” Magic Juan
(e) Rabid Rob
(f) Flex

2 Fast 2 Furious is about to come on TV, do you:
(a) Try to Tivo it so you can watch it later
(b) Stop everything and watch it now
(c) Call all your friends and tell them it's on
(d) Don't watch it because you already have it on DVD
(e) Watch ‘Pimp My Ride’ instead

How many times have you seen 2 Fast 2 Furious:
(a) 0
(b) 1-3
(c) 4-6
(d) 7-10
(e) 10+

Did you buy the last Beastie Boys album?
(a) Yes
(b) No

Ok so this wasn’t the most sophisticated test in the world, but basically if you answered any of the questions you are probably both a groder and a wigger.

My New Life

After much thought and consideration I have decided to outsource my job to India. Why should I have to work like a chump when I can pay someone in India to do it for me? Thousands of jobs are outsourced every year and what happens to those people? They get fired! What I’m talking about is a radical departure form conventional thinking. Don’t let some faceless corporation reap all the benefits of outsourcing your job, do it yourself.

Jumari Patel, a bright and ambitious 12 year-old boy from Mumbai, will take over my job duties starting mid-February. I first met Jumari in a Battlestar Galactica chat room last year and we have been friends ever since. He’s a nice kid and his mom even thinks I’m a positive role model. We haven’t exactly ironed out all the details yet but I think I’m going to pay him about $4 an hour; this deal is good for two reasons:

(1) He lives in India so that’s like $60 an hour here
(2) It leaves plenty of money in my pocket and gives me tons of spare time so I can:

(a) Watch more TV
(b) Play more video games
(c) Go trolling through Babylon 5 chat rooms
(d) Update Groderz more often


Some people will say this idea is stupid, but I say they can kiss my ass while I’m sleeping in until noon and watching reruns of Elimiadate and Walker, Texas Ranger everyday.

Corporate Clone

In the corporate world of cubicles and TPS reports there are two distinct types of employees: Those who wear their ID badges around their neck and those who don’t.
Last Friday I decided to conduct a brief experiment, for one day I decided to swallow my pride and wear my ID badge around my neck thus becoming a HDE (Highly Dedicated Employee). While undercover I observed the following.

The average HDE:

· Gets to work at least 30 minutes early everyday
· Drinks 2.6 sodas a day
· Routinely sends out emails to the entire department informing other employees about unimportant procedural data and industry updates
· Has a minimum of three Dilbert cartoon tacked to his/her cubicle
· Manages to turn any causal topic of conversion into something about work
· Uses terms like "team-based organization", "core-competencies" and "value-added" without being sarcastic
· Writes things on the whiteboard in the break room


Above all HDE’s are generally kind and affable and should not be openly mocked for their exuberance and corporate enthusiasm. All mockery should be conducted in blog format.