Don't Buy the New Doritos

Doritos normally get better and better with every new flavor. Nacho Cheese were pretty good. When Jay Leno hyped the new Cool Ranch, it was like a taste revolution. Of course, then they went all x-treme and made Nacho CheesIER and CoolER Ranch, which were, well, they definitely lived up to their respective "ER"s. The various incarnations of salsa flavors - Salsa Rio, Salsa Verde, Spicy Nacho, etc., have all been outstanding. And, more recently, Black Pepper Jack. Them mugs swing like there ain't no tomorrow. I can't wait for BlackER Pepper Jack.

Recently I came upon a new flavor - Ranchero. First of all, the bag is written in Spanish. Everywhere. English is a second language to Ranchero Doritos, which made me think "wow, they must be authentic Doritos." So I tore into them. I was prepared for another epic Dorito tear, leaving me feeling sick and dirty in a way that only a massive Dorito tear truly can.



The tear didn't last long. They were seriously nasty. They tasted like the inside of a dog's butt. Like someone peed in a bag and swore it was yummy. They were spicy, but not in a zesty way, more like in a powdery, salty kind of way. And they also tasted like fruit-flavored chemicals.

I checked the ingredients. Lime juice and paprika. That's the secret to Ranchero: lime juice and paprika. Maybe it's some cultural thing I missed, but it's nasty.